Saturday, February 13, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Judo Tournament

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance; I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here”.
“Yes”, snickered the Devil, “but I have all the referees.”

Friday, February 12, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - More exercise

Recently overheard in a doctor’s waiting room:
I used to watch golf on television, but the doctor said that I needed more exercise - So, now I watch tennis.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - No football

Q: Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
A: It was a boxer!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Duuuuh Dumb Jock

He’s such a dumb jock, that when he was driving to the airport, he saw a sign that read, “Airport Left,” and he turned around and went home.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Magic Johnson on rollerblades

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
ROLLAIDS!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Can i get yo something

The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick.
A Navy Corpsman said, “Can I get you something ?”
The young Marine replied, “How about an island ?”

Really Funny Quick Jokes - I got my four

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle.
“Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?”
The Marine replied, “I got my four Sir.”

Friday, February 5, 2010

A guy gets back from a computer convention

A guy gets back from a computer convention and is telling his wife about how
it went, “Honey, It was so crowded, a real zoo. You couldn’t get a nerd in
edgewise!”

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - How do you spell Canada?

How do you spell Canada?
*C-EH N-EH D-EH.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - No we won’t

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to
the Moon. The Redheads speak up “That’s been done before, we’re going to go to
Mars”. The Blondes speak up “That’s nothing, we’re going to be the first people
to go to the Sun”. One of the reporters says “Don’t you idiots know […]

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Invalid responses

A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his
computer had told him he was ‘bad and invalid’. The tech explained that the
computer’s ‘bad’ command and ‘invalid’ responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

Still couldn’t see

A confused caller told the technician that the computer had said it ‘couldn’t
find printer’. The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the
printer, but that his computer ’still’ couldn’t ’see’ the printer.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - I deserve a first class seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the
plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach
because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde,
I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Results of damage testing

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the
plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact,
it’ll survive a real collision with […]

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Training the blonde

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival,
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he
noticed […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Teaching the child

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter
what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the […]

Monday, January 25, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Nobody understood

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the
beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1!!! F1!!!” and nobody understood it.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Longings

My wife ran away with my best friend.
To tell you the truth, I really miss him.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Nickname

Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
“Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?” said the first gal.
“Could you pass me the honey, honey?” said the second.
“Could you pass me the bacon, pig?” said the third.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - The Ultimate Rejection

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: Your hand falls asleep while masturbating.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - A licker cabinet

Q. What do you call 20 lesbians in a closet?
A. A licker cabinet.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Toy Box Drama

Q: Why did they kick raggedy ann out of the toy box?
A: Because she was always sitting on pinnochio’s face saying “lie to me, lie
to me.”

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Dam

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
A: Dam.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Church Bell Blues

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving
card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed
the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to
go to church with their mothers and fathers.” “Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied,
“so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Road Trip

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on
the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Bird it Through the Grapevine

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Amishamed Of Myself

What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a
horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Amishamed Of Myself

What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a
horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Ghost Story For Tots

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy night. He asked the manager for a room for one night. The manager said, “I only have one room left and I don’t think you want it.” The football player asked, “why not.” “It’s haunted,” the manager said. The football player said, “Well, I’ll kill […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Lice-nse To Ill

What do you call lice on a bald man’s head?
Homeless.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Don’t Got Milk?

What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milkdud!

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Bull

What is another name for a masturbating bull?
Beef Strokinoff.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - USCL8R

Why don’t people from the University of Southern California celebrate Christmas?
Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Cereal Killer

Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech?
A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - DumbRocks

Q: What do rocks and boobs have in common?
A: If they’re flat, you can skip them.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - A guide to walking tigers

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - They’re boasting about race records

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.
At […]

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Nine things dogs don’t understand

1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Sounds of the Wild

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: “What does the cow say?”Child: “Moo!”Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”Child: “Meow.”Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

Really Funny Quick Jokes - The Secret Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Rules For Cats

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important […]

Really Funny Quick Jokes - How to give your Cat a Pill.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth […]

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Miracles

After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher.

“In my house,” said the little girl, “when handwriting appears on the wall it’s not a miracle, it’s the work of my little brother.”

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Beer

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And That’s when the fight started….

Friday, January 15, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Ink

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Sit ups

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Don't Be Nervous

A nervous pair of robbers entered a record store to rob it. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled robber shot him.

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Sick Cookie

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

… Because he felt crummy.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Tennessee

What did Tennessee?

What Arkansa!

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Arkansa

What did Arkansa?

Idaho...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Two hydrogen atoms

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Two antennas

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes Muffins

There's two muffins in the oven.

One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"

The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"

*******
really funny quick jokes only for you!

Dropping Bombs Jokes

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."

10 Games for Old Age Jokes

1.)Sag, You're it
2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear
4.)Kick the bucket
5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6.)Doc Goose
7.)Simon says something incoherent
8.)Hide and go pee
9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.)Musical recliners

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Jury Duty

A man chosen for jury duty very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse, but none of them worked. On the first day, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit, with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I said, "He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty." "So I could not possibly be on this jury."

"Get back in the jury box," the judge replied. "You're just the kind of juror we are looking for --- a good judge of character. That man is his lawyer."

Really Funny Quick Jokes - Don't Be Late

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she couldto get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me beate" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "DearLord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Really Funny Jokes - World Peace

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that stinking map lady!"

Friday, January 8, 2010

Some Really Funny Quick Jokes

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

******

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”

******

Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”

******

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?'
Greg asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

******

“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Quick Jokes Airplane Jokes

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Horny Toad

What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says ribbit and the other says rubbit.

Michael Jackson At Wal*Mart

Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal*Mart? Because Boys' pants were half off.

Doughboy

How does Aunt Jemima turn on the Pillsberry Dough Boy? She squeezes his doughnuts.

Cherry Tree

Q. How does an ellephant turn into a cherry tree?

A. He paints his balls red.

Ballon Family

Mummy bollon daddy bollon and kiddie bollon, Kiddie bollon cant sleep so he goesin to his mum and dads room, he trys to fit in the middle of them, He can not fit in so he lets a bit of air out of his mum still cant fit in so he lets a bit of air out of his dad and he still can not fit in so he lets a bit of air out of his self and fits in he sleeps through the night and then in the morning the dad feels for his mum and feels the sun so at breckfast the dad says to the kid " dont do that to us again because you let me down you let your mom down and also, you let yourself down " .

Hard Drive

Q. What is the difference between a computer and a woman?

A. Women don't except 3_1/2 floppies.

Welfare

That joke must be like welfare...You get it and I don't. CFR

Dear Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have killed lots of my friends,

Jade Goody My favourite Big Brother Contestant

Michael Jackson My favourite dancer

Stephen Gately my favourite Singer

Just to let you know thank John And Edward (Jedward) are my favourite twins

Love From Simon Cowell

Dictaphone

A secretary goes into her bosses office and says, "Excuse me, may I use your dictaphone?"

The boss replies, "No, use your finger like everyone else."

LOL.

War

Q-Did you hear about the war between NewFoundLand, and PEI? A-Newfoundland threw the grenades, and PEI took out the pins and threw them back.

Snail

The snail, goes into a Car dealership he asks the salesmen if they have any big balck sports cars? The sales men says yes. The snail says, could you please put a big S on the front, a Big S on the side, and a big S on the lisence plate. The salesmen says why? The snail says it's personal I don't want to tell you. SO he comes back in a week. With a Big S on the front, a Big S on the side, and a Big S on the lisence plate. The salesmen asks the mechanic I wonder why he wanted the Big S? The mechanic says I don't know but look at that S-car-go

Dead Birdie

Britney Spears and Justin Timberfake were walking along the beach.

Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"

smelly dog

q: what do you get if you cross a dog with a full bladder A:a smelly dog

Monday, January 4, 2010

Funny Jokes

My doctor told me there are over seven million people who are
overweight. These are not exact numbers, of course, only round figures.
———————————————————————————
Q. Why is it that some people don’t smoke cigarettes?
A.. Because their butts won’t fit in an ashtray!

Funny Jokes

When Insults Had Class….
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank [...]

Funny Jokes

When Insults Had Class….
“I could carve a man with more backbone out of a banana.”
– Teddy Roosevelt
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

Funny Jokes

When Insults had Class….
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend…. if you have one..”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen [...]

Funny Jokes

REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
* You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
* You can trade a .44 for two .22’s.
* You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
* If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed
and let you try a [...]

Funny Jokes

New Post Office Employee
A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of
energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new
employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and
knew nothing of the job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is [...]

Funny Jokes

Life’s Lesson #639
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone south for the winter.
Christmas is weird! What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Christmas Jokes

Funny Valentine Day Jokes

Knock Knock — Who’s there? — Cantalope — Cantalope who? — Cantalope with you tonight?
What did the boy snake say to the girl snake on Valentine’s Day?
Give me a hug and a hiss, honey!
What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean One [...]

Funny Valentine Day Jokes

Things Not To Say On Your Valentine’s Date
Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I [...]

Valentine’s Day Jokes

Most Popular Valentine’s Day Articles
Valentine’s Day Jokes
Valentines Day Jokes
Funny Valentine Day Jokes
Funny Valentine Day Jokes
“Ex” Valentine’s
Valentine’s Day Quotes
Famous Love Quote
Valentine’s Day Quotes
Valentine Day’s Quote
Cupid
Love Quotes
Love Quotations
Valentine’s Day Related Posts
Valentine’s Day Sayings
Love Sayings
Valentine’s Day
Marriage Jokes – The Ten Commandments of Marriage
Anniversary Jokes
Valentine’s Day Recipes
Valentine’s Day Recipes
Valentines Day Breakfast Dish

Funny Joke

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck
slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the
little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into
hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other
carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. “Tell me
Doc, [...]

Funny Joke

For several years my husband and I have made a conscientious
effort to get our family to eat more healthful foods at meals and
for snacks. The children often express their discontent with this.
One afternoon I returned from grocery shopping and our 17 year old
son started to unpack the bags. “Oh, no!” he exclaimed, pulling
out paper towels [...]

Funny Jokes

More Cannibals
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone’s eaten.
What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A Celebrity Roast.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin’ Allen’s.
What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A box of farmer’s fannies.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What did the [...]

Funny Jokes

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, ‘Airport Left,’ she turned around and went home..

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dracula Jokes – Count Dracula Jokes – Halloween Jokes

Dracula Jokes – Count Dracula Jokes – Halloween Jokes
Q. What did Dracula say after reading Halloween jokes? A. They bite!
Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.
Q. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A: A necktarine
Q. Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. A. Because of the [...]

Ghost Jokes – Ghosts Jokes – Halloween Jokes

Ghost Jokes – Ghosts Jokes – Halloween Jokes
Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
Q. Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Q. What do ghosts say when [...]

Funny Jokes – moat

Funny Jokes – moat
A win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you have for me to solve?

A leter to the IRS

Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA
Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the
[...]

My Forgetter

My Forgetter…
My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, [...]

Funny Jokes – Silver

Funny Jokes – Silver
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns
the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do,…
Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger [...]

Funny Jokes – Bad Drummer

Funny Jokes – Bad Drummer
A nightclub owner hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain his
customers. After several performances, he discovered the drummer
had walked away with some of his valuables, so he notified the
police and had him arrested.
Desperate for another drummer, he then called a friend who knew
some musicians.
“What happened to the drummer you had?” [...]

Funny Jokes – Cursing and Sleeping

Funny Jokes – Cursing and Sleeping
Waking up after a restless night, Annie turned to her husband Sam and frowned.
“I can’t believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!”
Sam replied, “Who was sleeping?”

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Limericks

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Limericks
A really old vampire named “Tex”
Is “out for blood” and I suspect
He’s not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It’s you who will likely be necks
Now Gail is a heckuva Ghostess
I say this but then I can boastess
She’ll come up and coo,
Well, how do you ‘boo’
She is the Ghostess with the [...]

Birthday Jokes – A Special Birthday This Week

A Special Birthday This Week.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast.
Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes – Chinese Laundry

Funny Jokes – Chinese Laundry
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note [...]

Late for Work

Late for Work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my
reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I
stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the
morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the
driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside [...]

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is
nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.
The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

How to avoid the flu

How to avoid the flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the
elevator, etc.
Wash your hands [...]

Funny Jokes – Texas Talk

Texas Talk
She’s as graceful as an elephant tryin’ to use a typewriter…
He’s big ‘nough to shade an elephant…
I felt like I’d been ridin’ the rough string with a borrowed saddle…
I didn’t break anything, but all my hinges, bolts an’ nuts were sure
loosened…
Things ’round here’ve been quietern’ a hole in the ground…
It’s cold ‘nough to make [...]

Superstitious

Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!”
The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!”
The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”
Superstitious Jokes Superstitious Quotes

Funny T-Shirt Sayings – Funny Sayings for T-Shirts

Funny Quotes
I’m Out Of My Mind Feel Free To Leave A Message
My Anger Management Class Pisses Me Off
Cogito Ergo Periculosus (I Think Therefore I’m Dangerous)
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
Just Because I Don’t Care Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Understand
There should be A Special Prison for Stupid People
I Do What The Voices In My Wifes Head [...]

Funny Jokes – The New Boss

The New BossA large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that [...]

Funny Jokes and Humor – Dear Abby

Dear Abby:


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All [...]

Funny Blonde Jokes – Hot Time in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and [...]

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s [...]

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s [...]

A tale of a jogger

A tale of a jogger
You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise and
quite punctual.
Every morning he’d follow the same route, passing the same bagel
cart. And each day he’d toss 60 cents onto the counter of the
bagel cart as he passed.
And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining…
One [...]

A Different Approach?

A Different Approach?
Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an
efficiency expert asked the company’s human resources director, “How
many of your employees are approaching retirement age?”
“Well,” replied the director, “we haven’t got any going the other way.”

On Language

On Language
Readers of William Safire’s “On Language” column
were asked to provide fresh meanings for stale words.
A sampling of the results:
Alphabet: The most aggressive wager on the table
Approbation: Fear of early release from prison
Bashful: Being harsh or abusive toward someone
[...]

Quit Lookin’ At Me!!

Quit Lookin’ At Me!!
Now, I won’t say he’s neurotic, but he was watching a football game at the college stadium, and every time one of the teams went into a huddle he wondered if they were talking about him.

Jokes of the weak

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it
from your mother, because I still have mine.”

Blog of the Day Awards

We won a Blog of the Day Award for our Funny T-Shirt Sayings

GLOBALIZATION

GLOBALIZATION
An English PRINCESS Diana
With an Egyptian Boyfriend
Crashes in French Tunnel
Driven in a German Car
With a Dutch Engine,
Driven by a dead drunk Belgian
On Scottish Whiskey
Followed closely by an Italian paparazzi,
ON Japanese motorbike
Treated by an Americano DOCTOR
USING Brazilian Medicines
You receive this information from an Indian [...]

I don’t like the looks of your wife

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like
the looks of your wife.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband, “But she’s a
great cook and really good with the kids.”

Cannibals in the workplace

Cannibals in the workplace
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees”. The [...]

Juan Gonzalez

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How
was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective
replied. “A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made
a hole in Juan.”

Two Lovers

Two Lovers
Two lovers left a party and hailed a cab to take them to a romantic hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down [...]

Political Humor – The Photo Op

The Photo Op
World leaders gathered at the United Nations for its 50th anniversary. 185 of them stood for a group picture.
The photographer made 184 of them smile by asking them to say “foreign aid”.

Funny Jokes – Skunk

Skunk
I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.
“Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard,” suggested the show’s host. “That’ll get rid of it.”
An hour [...]

Funny Jokes – Furniture Moving

Furniture Moving
Co-workers sympathized as a woman as she complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
“Why didn’t you wait until your husband got home?” someone asked.
“I could have,” the woman told them. “But the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror
A woman bought a mirror from an antiques store near her home.
She placed it on the bath room door.
One day when she got out the shower she decided to have a laugh.
She says to the mirror: “Mirror mirror on my door
This has been moved to Mirror Mirror

MURDERED WIFE

MURDERED WIFE
The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, “Is this your wife?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“Did you kill her?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?”
“Yes,” he replied, “…but put me [...]

We Are All Players

We Are All Players…
Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think about
little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His
mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared
he would not be chosen. On [...]

Two Loney Guys

Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the bar.
Pauly: “There are two attractive women sitting alone at the bar over
there!”
Maury: “So?”
Pauly: “Well, we are two guys alone sitting over here at a table. What
do you think that adds up to?”
Maury: “Four losers?”

Economics

Economics
Guy: Do you love me?
Gal: Yes.
Guy: Would you be willing to live on my income?
Gal: Sure…if you’d get another one for yourself.

Encouraging Words

Encouraging Words
How are you getting on with your courtship of your girlfriend?
Not so bad. I’m getting some encouragement now.
Really? Is she beginning to smile sweetly on you or something?
Not exactly, but last night she told me she had said ’no’ for the last time!

Top 10 Reasons You Know You’re A Red Sox Fan

Top 10 Reasons You Know You’re A Red Sox Fan
10 – You begin saying “This is the year!” before Spring Training even
starts.
9 – You know that “The Curse” was only a modern invention anyway.
8 – Whenever you hear the name “Bucky” you think of a curseword.
7 – “Buckner” is right up there, too….
6 – Your [...]

Perspective

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” [...]

Creation

Creation
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Pauly seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
After school, Pauly goes to visit uncle T.O.P. who suffers from joints
pains and says, “Pauly, can you please bring me a glass of water. I
can’t get [...]

Wake and Bake

Definition
Wake and Bake: to attend an Irish funeral and a cremation in the same day.
(Not to be confused with rising in the a.m. to the smell of marijuana)

Season Opener

Former stripper Anna Benson caught her husband, ex-New York Mets
pitcher Kris Benson, cheating on her and she once vowed that if she
did, she would sleep with the entire Mets organization. So, once
again, the Mets are screwed even before the season starts.
(Alex Kaseberg)

Mr. Fenton is no longer welcome in WalMart

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending [...]

Adoption

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes…
Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a
family. One little boy in the picture had a different colour hair than
the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a
little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.”
[...]

Funny Inheritance Joke

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

Really Funny Quick Jokes

Great collection of really funny quick jokes. All about really funny quick jokes, really funny jokes, really funny short jokes, really funny clean jokes, really really funny jokes.